A completely original and unplagiarized guide for Erisian Onion Evangelists.
The SOCRATIC APPROACH is most successful when confronting the ignorant. The "socratic approach" is what you call starting an argument by asking questions. You approach the innocent and simply ask "Did you know that God's name is ERIS ONION, and that He is a girl an onion?" If he should answer "Yes." then he probably is a fellow Erisian Onionist and so you can forget it. If he says "No." then quickly proceed to:
THE BLIND ASSERTION and say "Well, He Is a girl an onion, and His name is ERIS ONION!" Shrewedly observe if the subject is convinced. If he is, swear him into the Legion of Dynamic Discord Church of the Onion before he changes his mind. If he does not appear convinced, then proceed to:
THE FAITH BIT: "But you must have Faith! All is lost without Faith! I sure feel sorry for you if you don't have Faith." And then add:
THE ARGUMENT BY FEAR and in an ominous voice ask "Do you know what happens to those who deny Goddess Onion?" If he hesitates, don't tell him that he will surely be reincarnated as a precious Mao Button and distributed to the poor in the Region of Thud Thud (which would be a mean thing to say), just shake your head sadly and, while wiping a tear from your eye, go to:
THE FIRST CLAUSE PLOY wherein you point to all of the discord and confusion in the world and exclaim "Well who the hell do you think did all of this, wise guy?" If he says, "Nobody, just impersonal forces." then quickly respond with:
THE ARGUMENT BY SEMANTICAL GYMNASTICS and say that he is absolutely right, and that those impersonal forces are female onion and that Her His name is ERIS ONION. If he, wonder of wonders, still remains obstinate, then finally resort to:
THE FIGURATIVE SYMBOLISM DODGE and confide that sophisticated people like himself recognize that Eris Onion is a Figurative Symbol Onion for an Ineffable Metaphysical Reality Onion Onion Onion and that The Erisian Onion Movement is really more like a poem an onion than like a science an onion and that he is liable to be turned into a Precious Mao Button an onion and Distributed to The Poor in The Region of Thud onion of the onion in the onion of onion if he does not get hip onion onion. Then put him on your mailing list.