Storybook

[DeletedUser28121]

Hiya there my Liege , thanks for the warm welcome, it is refreshing to be in a section that does not feature P&P threads lol

I liked how I didn't know what was happening at the beginning, as it made me want to read more.

I always was a master opener, wish that brilliance would somehow spill over to the body of my stories .

However, you don't figure out what the whole situation is until 3/4 of the way through. That's a bit late in my opinion.

I would agree that this presents a bit of a problem... But that always a biggie with short stories (especially this short lol). I had a page limit for this one but even if i didn't i think i would still be struggling withe the layout of the paragraphs, perhaps some re-organizing of the same would be in order

I also thought that you seem to have trouble determining where details should be added. For example, paragraph two...it adds depth to the story, but it also creates some needless facts. I though Ester was going to become a major character, whereas in reality she vanishes.

Ester, as such, was thrown in there since it was a requirement of the paper to have round character that changes in that short period I had to describe her... Not very well executed but Ester here beats the hemophiliac Ester that cuts her self on a cactus (yeah that really was in the draft lol) any day, believe you me

The final paragraph, on the other hand, contains pretty much all the action in the whole story. A lot is left unanswered. For example, Michael was heading to the Dome to essentially turn off the sun (or at least diminish it.)

I believe you have something confused here. Michael is actually going there to ruin that second Sun injection (the Dome acts as an incubator for TCT which cannot be produced in any other environment) He is trying, in fact, to prevent the military from further tampering with the sun.

However, you never hear if he did that, and all of a sudden there are news reports that say that the sun is dimming...and then the storm. I wanted to know what made this storm so different from what we know as a storm, making it so deadly

'news reports' is actually newest reports and refers to the newest research results of Michael and other scientists that indicate that the first hydrogen injection is losing potency and that the sun is beginning to normalize.

The storm at the end is a homage to Herbert's Coriolis Storm (A coriolis storm was any major sandstorm on Arrakis where the winds across the open deserts were amplified by the planet's own revolutionary motion. This caused them to reach speeds of up to 700 kilometers per hour. ) It seemed appropriate due the the new desert conditions that engulfed the Earth as a result of Sun enlargement (and also because i'm a huge Dune fan lol) There is nothing particularly odd or significant about that storm (other than its potency) I just needed something to kill Michael as he was destroying the Dome... The sound of rushing water at the very end can be interpreted as an omen of things to come I like finishes that are a tad hopeful...

In any case im very grateful for your feedback Lord Regal and I hope my (flimsy) explanations made the story a bit more understandable and palatable.

 

[Deleted User - 819397]

I believe you have something confused here. Michael is actually going there to ruin that second Sun injection (the Dome acts as an incubator for TCT which cannot be produced in any other environment) He is trying, in fact, to prevent the military from further tampering with the sun.
----------

'news reports' is actually newest reports and refers to the newest research results of Michael and other scientists that indicate that the first hydrogen injection is losing potency and that the sun is beginning to normalize.

Ok, that makes a lot more sense now. While the news~newest thing was my mistake, I think that the misconception furthers my thoughts that the final paragraph has too much happening without enough clarification. However, I do agree that it makes a lot more sense now. Thanks for the clarification.

The storm at the end is a homage to Herbert's Coriolis Storm (A coriolis storm was any major sandstorm on Arrakis where the winds across the open deserts were amplified by the planet's own revolutionary motion. This caused them to reach speeds of up to 700 kilometers per hour. ) It seemed appropriate due the the new desert conditions that engulfed the Earth as a result of Sun enlargement (and also because i'm a huge Dune fan lol) There is nothing particularly odd or significant about that storm (other than its potency) I just needed something to kill Michael as he was destroying the Dome... The sound of rushing water at the very end can be interpreted as an omen of things to come I like finishes that are a tad hopeful...

Heh, I'm a Dune fan myself. I think if you added the title "Coriolis" to the storm, it'd give people who know the series a smile as they realize what you're referencing, while making it clear to people who don't know the books that this is no storm that we here on Earth know of.

 

[DeletedUser]

Richard sat at his bunk in the stagnant sleeping chambers, reading through the large novel about rodents he had picked up in Detroit, days earlier. Most of the other young soldiers were asleep, with the older ones still watching over their belongings like hawks, prepared to pounce on the rats who tried to steal their bait. Staff Sergeant Nellis only walked down the aisles, silently, like a ghost, dissappearing behind bunks, and reappearing only when a page-turning soldier's flashlight happened to spot him on the dark side of the room.

A loud hiss played out over the intercom, and then a voice. "Corporal Mason, please report to the main entrance immediately."

Staff Sergeant Nellis slapped Richard on the back. "Boss wants you... Again."

"I know, and I'm sick of these messenger boy errands," Richard grumbled.

"Get to it soldier." Nellis walked on by, vanishing around the corner of the bunk next to him to continue his patrol; a simple babysitter among the men. Richard had forgotten, the Staff Sergeant wasn't a friend. He was a true jerk, with an always accepting and pleasant tone in his voice.

With a simple nod, Richard turned to throw many of his belongings into his small pack, leaving what he didn't care about to sit in his locker, able to be stolen. Though his block wasn't as immoral as many of the others, he had his eyes on a few Serbians who consistantly ferreted away many unattended locker's belongings. Sure, the major passtime among the mercenaries in this block had become stealing. People stole their own belongings back from the Serbians, and thus reset the cycle, but it was still a moral delimma. Richard was no fan of the stealing game.

"Minne menet, Richard?" a low voice said from the bunk above his.

"rakennuksen edessä..." Richard grunted. "I say it right?"

There was a pause, and then the Finnish soldier replied, "Yeah, Okay."

"Am I getting any better?" He hoisted his backpack over his shoulder.

"Some." Richard saw him nod.

He wasn't sure of his name, yet already, he'd learned many words from Corporal Bäckström, a name he though highly of. "Thanks buddy." Richard began to walk down the aisle, wondering what tonights task would be. He was tired, and confused. For three nights in a row, he'd preformed menial tasks for the Coordinations team, first getting coffee, then getting munitions moved, and finally leaving the base to collect some left-behind equipment from one of the civilian ports on western Maricaibo. Now, he didn't know what was next.

He left the sleeping chamber, and continued down the well-guarded hallways, nodding to the night-watch soldiers who patiently read through magazines of all assortments, from guns to tri-x'es, most had their G36's propped up against their legs as they submerged their heads into their booklets. Only a few stood attentive and confident. The greenhorns. Looking for their promotions...

"Gooday mate," a familiar voice yelped from the hallway infront of him. "Hey Aussie man, how's guard duty?"

The Aussie corporal sighed. "Boring, no action other than rats, and the like."

"Have to crush them with your boots sometime, hear 'em crunch." Richard chuckled.

"I have to say, good idea."

Richard nodded. "Well, see you." He passed through the door.

"Yep," the Aussie replied.

To Richard's surprise, he saw the second-in-command at the base, the Colonel, standing in the lobby, waiting for his arrival. "Corporal Mason?"

"Yessir?" Richard excitedly asked.

"We have a problem for you to clean up, is that ok with you son?"

Richard looked down at the General's feet, eyeing his polished leather shoes. "Yes sir." Only another problem.

"One of our Lieutenants was in town tonight, he stopped by a hotel, roughed up a woman pretty bad. We need you to clean up the place with him."

Richard gawked. "Sir, is the woman dead?"

The Colonel clinched his teeth, puffing his jaw-muscles. "Yes Corporal. The Lieutenant has requested assistance, and we needed someone who could keep it on the low. We have the confidentiality papers ready for signing, so unless you want to end up at the old Juan Miguel Vivarium as that crazy Faust's next test buddy, I'd agree to them."


"Great..." Richard muttered.

"What was that?" One of the guards next to the Colonel asked.

"I said ready! Sir!" Richard clacked his boots together, acting like the pawn they paid him to be.

The Colonel smiled. "Very well."

 

[DeletedUser]

7/10

A pretty good start, but it just sort of ends. There's not really much of a story, but it's well written as always.

 

[Red Falcon]

Just wondering something...Is it okay for me to post a story in this thread or should I post it in the Graphics, Art, and Media section?

 

[DeletedUser]

yes you can post it here but first check the rules

 

[DeletedUser]

6/10
It is a well written part of a story. However standing alone without context all I seem to get is an inkling that this is a mercanery outfit with an international muster roll. I can't really same much else. It's good, but I know nothing of the characters, place, or at least a time.

 

[DeletedUser]

Just a small teaser of my book I'm writing Roger Felton: Lost in London

Roger paused as he began to force his way into the car. He waited there, frustrated at his conscience for only coming at the last moment. Joey, Roy and Mark were waiting in the side alley, keeping a look out, in case anybody would come. Roger glanced back at them, wondering why he ever became friends with them. Mark was a kind of person who just does whatever someone older, or stronger, says, and Joey was both of them, Joey was seventeen and was an avid drinker, Roy was the same as Joey, though Roy was more, selfish than Joey, for Joey was more considerate of Rogers well being, but that didn’t mean he cared that Roger would be arrested if they were caught. He made up his mind. Roger pulled the handle of the car, knowing that the alarm would go off. He’d be hated by Joey and the rest, but frankly, Roger started to become bored of their escapades, which he usually got in trouble for. As the alarm sounded through the street, Roger sprinted off in the vague direction of home. Joey, Roy and Mark gave chase through the maze of Boston. As Roger dashed across a street, he heard the blare of a horn, and a flash of jet black as a sedan nearly crashed into him. He heard a vague sound of footsteps behind him, and he subsequently sped up, nearly knocking over an elderly woman who had just gotten out of a taxi.

 

[DeletedUser5095]

The Beginning of Hope

Joseph has second thoughts about his engagement to Mary because he doesent know about God's plan for Mary and her baby, sooo one night in a dream an angel comes to Joseph. "Don't be afraid to take Mary as your wife. The baby inside her is from the Holy Spirit. Name him Jesus (means "God Saves") because he will save people from their sins." said the Holy Spirit. Joseph believes the angel and marries Mary, even tho her pregnacy seems shameful to others. One day the news comes that the Roman emperor, Ceasar Augustus, wants to have a census. Everyone must go to his hometown to be counted. Even though Mary's baby is due any day now, Joseph and Mary have to go from Nazereth to Bethlehem. "We've traveled a long way, My wife is very tired. and we need a place to stay." Said Joseph. The Innkeeper says "I'm sorry but Bethlehem is crowded because of the census. We don't have any more empty rooms." Exhausted, Mary and Joseph have no choice but to stay in the stable, there surrounded by animals, Mary gives birth to Jesus. She keeps her baby warm in a feeding troff (manger) filled with hay. That night some shepherds are watching their sheep on the hills outside Bethlehem. Suddenly, a great light splits the night. "What is happeneing???" the shepherd says. "God save us!!!" Say another. An angel comes. "Don't be afraid. I bring good news and joy, for you and the whooooolle world! Today in the city of David, a savior has been born to you. You will find the baby lying in a feeding troff (manger)." He says. Suddenly the sky is filled with a choir of angels singing praise to God. "GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHES, AND PEACE TO PEOPLE ON EARTH!" They sing. The angels leave and once again darkness falls upon the hills. Let's go to Bethlehem!" Say one shepherd. Another says, "We must see the child for ourselves!" The shepherds then hurry of to Bethlehem. The crowded town of Bethlehem sleeps. Lovingly, Mary wrapped her Jesus in strips of cloth (swaddling clothes) and put him in a feeding troff (manger). That's where the shepherds find him. "An angel told us that the Savior has been born!" Say's one. "We have to tell everyone this great news!" Say another. In a land faaaar to the east, wise men see something strange in the sky. "That new star is the brighteststar I've ever seen! It must have a special meaning!" One of the wise men said. Another one say's " It's the sign that the King of the Jews has been born!" A third say's, "Let's go to Jerusalem and find this King!"After monthes of travel, the wise men reach Jerusalem. "We have come to worship the baby King of the Jews. Where can we find him?" Say's one of the wise men. A villager tells them, "You must be mistaken. No King has been born here recently." When the wise men inquire at the Palace, King Herod (who has commited more than one murder to protect his throne) immediatly comes up with a plan. "Look for the child in Bethlehem. When you find him come back and tell me where he is! Of course I want to worship him too." King Herod says out loud. But is thinking, "When I find him, I will kill him! No one going to be King of the Jews 'cept me!" Following Herod's instructions, the wise men travel from Jesusalem to Bethlehem. The star they saw in the East still guides them. "Look the star is over that house!" Say's one of the wise men. Then another says, "Our long journey is finished!" "This is where the child lives!" Say's a third. Mary and Joseph are suprised to receive rich foreigners in their humble house. "We have come to worship the child!" Say's one. "Accept our gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh!" Says another.
That night the wise men had a strange experience. God warns them not to trust Herod, and not to tell him where the child is. "I had a dream!" One says. "So did I! God warned us not to go back to Jerusalem." Says another. "I had the same dream. We must go home another way." Says the third. After the wise men leave, Joseph has another dream. An angel says to him "Escape to Egypt! Stay there until I tell you to come back. Herod wants to kill Jesus!" Joseph gets up quickly and prepares to go. In the middle of the night, Joseph, Mary, and Jesus flee to Egypt. In jerusalem, Herod waits for the wise men to return. When they dont come back, he is furious. "Herod, I think those wise men have tricked us" Says his councilman. Herod says "That child will never live to take my throne! I'll kill every boy in Bethlehem two years old and younger. I alone am king." That very night Herods soldiers decend on Bethlehem and brutally carry out their evil errand. And so Jeremiah's prophecy is fufilled: "There will be weeping and great mourning in Rahmah. Rachel weeps for her children and will not be comforted, for they are no more." But Joseph, Mary and Jesus are already safely on their way to Egypt, where they spend the next several years raising their new baby, Jesus, the savior of the whole world!

 

[DeletedUser31931]

For MasterofWar: 9/10. Pretty good. Hope the book sells.

 

[DeletedUser]

Thanks, when I finish, I'll have to start persuading some "expert" that my book will make him rich, yet, I'll get all the money, or my parents will.

4/10

Was that an extract from The Bible? Not very enticing, or exciting. Seemed nearly pathetic attempt at making something kind of boring, to alright. I'm not sure what gives me the right to CnC it. Making it's from making a few dozen short stories that win every writing competition I enter? Not sure...

Also, if you an exciting story, don't write about fights and etc., excitement can come from many things, not just punches, fights and guns.

 

[DeletedUser]

Guns and fighting are the icing on the cake. They add action, but you can't base a whole story off it

 

[DeletedUser5095]

Joseph has second thoughts about his engagement to Mary because he doesent know about God's plan for Mary and her baby, sooo one night in a dream an angel comes to Joseph. "Don't be afraid to take Mary as your wife. The baby inside her is from the Holy Spirit. Name him Jesus (means "God Saves") because he will save people from their sins." said the Holy Spirit. Joseph believes the angel and marries Mary, even tho her pregnacy seems shameful to others. One day the news comes that the Roman emperor, Ceasar Augustus, wants to have a census. Everyone must go to his hometown to be counted. Even though Mary's baby is due any day now, Joseph and Mary have to go from Nazereth to Bethlehem. "We've traveled a long way, My wife is very tired. and we need a place to stay." Said Joseph. The Innkeeper says "I'm sorry but Bethlehem is crowded because of the census. We don't have any more empty rooms." Exhausted, Mary and Joseph have no choice but to stay in the stable, there surrounded by animals, Mary gives birth to Jesus. She keeps her baby warm in a feeding troff (manger) filled with hay. That night some shepherds are watching their sheep on the hills outside Bethlehem. Suddenly, a great light splits the night. "What is happeneing???" the shepherd says. "God save us!!!" Say another. An angel comes. "Don't be afraid. I bring good news and joy, for you and the whooooolle world! Today in the city of David, a savior has been born to you. You will find the baby lying in a feeding troff (manger)." He says. Suddenly the sky is filled with a choir of angels singing praise to God. "GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHES, AND PEACE TO PEOPLE ON EARTH!" They sing. The angels leave and once again darkness falls upon the hills. Let's go to Bethlehem!" Say one shepherd. Another says, "We must see the child for ourselves!" The shepherds then hurry of to Bethlehem. The crowded town of Bethlehem sleeps. Lovingly, Mary wrapped her Jesus in strips of cloth (swaddling clothes) and put him in a feeding troff (manger). That's where the shepherds find him. "An angel told us that the Savior has been born!" Say's one. "We have to tell everyone this great news!" Say another. In a land faaaar to the east, wise men see something strange in the sky. "That new star is the brighteststar I've ever seen! It must have a special meaning!" One of the wise men said. Another one say's " It's the sign that the King of the Jews has been born!" A third say's, "Let's go to Jerusalem and find this King!"After monthes of travel, the wise men reach Jerusalem. "We have come to worship the baby King of the Jews. Where can we find him?" Say's one of the wise men. A villager tells them, "You must be mistaken. No King has been born here recently." When the wise men inquire at the Palace, King Herod (who has commited more than one murder to protect his throne) immediatly comes up with a plan. "Look for the child in Bethlehem. When you find him come back and tell me where he is! Of course I want to worship him too." King Herod says out loud. But is thinking, "When I find him, I will kill him! No one going to be King of the Jews 'cept me!" Following Herod's instructions, the wise men travel from Jesusalem to Bethlehem. The star they saw in the East still guides them. "Look the star is over that house!" Say's one of the wise men. Then another says, "Our long journey is finished!" "This is where the child lives!" Say's a third. Mary and Joseph are suprised to receive rich foreigners in their humble house. "We have come to worship the child!" Say's one. "Accept our gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh!" Says another.
That night the wise men had a strange experience. God warns them not to trust Herod, and not to tell him where the child is. "I had a dream!" One says. "So did I! God warned us not to go back to Jerusalem." Says another. "I had the same dream. We must go home another way." Says the third. After the wise men leave, Joseph has another dream. An angel says to him "Escape to Egypt! Stay there until I tell you to come back. Herod wants to kill Jesus!" Joseph gets up quickly and prepares to go. In the middle of the night, Joseph, Mary, and Jesus flee to Egypt. In jerusalem, Herod waits for the wise men to return. When they dont come back, he is furious. "Herod, I think those wise men have tricked us" Says his councilman. Herod says "That child will never live to take my throne! I'll kill every boy in Bethlehem two years old and younger. I alone am king." That very night Herods soldiers decend on Bethlehem and brutally carry out their evil errand. And so Jeremiah's prophecy is fufilled: "There will be weeping and great mourning in Rahmah. Rachel weeps for her children and will not be comforted, for they are no more." But Joseph, Mary and Jesus are already safely on their way to Egypt, where they spend the next several years raising their new baby, Jesus, the savior of the whole world!

Mine's got action. Does anyone like this story?

 

[Deleted User - 819397]

I like that it has a religious base, but it IS the most famous story from the Bible. I appreciate it as a Christian, but the lack of originality makes me think less of it as a story that YOU made as you didn't put any work into it. I'd go 5/10 on it because of that.

 

[DeletedUser5095]

At least you liked it, lol.

 

[DeletedUser]

http://char-game-summaries.blogspot.com/

This is a link to my latest work, it's a summary of Dragon Age: Origins, written in first person. I appreciate constructive criticism.vc

 

[DeletedUser31931]

Well, I ran out of time reading it, but what I read was good considering that I've never played the game, it isn't exactly a story that you've written yourself. For that reason only about 6/10.

 

[DeletedUser]

My name is John Colt, I live on a farm outside of town called the Calm Lands with my father and my younger sister Sue, the story I'll tell you happened two years ago when I worked at the famous Pony Express, so listen carefully ...

It all started when Mr. McEntire, owner of the Pony Express station in the city of Calm Lands asked a question that to this day I regret to have answered, you want to make a delivery to me, boy? McIntire said the old man. Cursed dog negligible, if I knew what would happen I would not have accepted, Yes sir! I said. It was there that started it all, take this package to the city of Pine Wood Town, took the package, say goodbye to my family and went galloping through the desert all around, the trip would last three days maximum would then take advantage, since he had never left the town where he was born, after four hours of travel I found a fork in the road, looked at the map that Mr. McIntire gave me and he'd tell me to go right toward Oak Ville, and from there head to another city and only then get to my destination, but damn! would be too easy, then saw to the left where the path would take me, it seems that the name of the town was not very inviting, El Castillo Del Diablo, or Devil's Castle in my language, with a name like that is not me adim a ghost town, then shrugged and said right and follow the map when it was decided to camp early evening, because it was not in a hurry, I found a stream with a small trickle of water and set up camp there, my horse is refreshing in stream water while I prepared a can of stewed rabbit, my water bottle was full and I was not thirsty, so after eating sleep under the stars of heaven ...

During sleep ... I had a terrible nightmare, in which returning from a trip to my father's farm was on fire, and my father blamed me for what happened. I suddenly heard the neighing of my horse and I woke up with this sound, the horse ran and beat his head on a rock, I tried to hold him but it was too late, there was blood everywhere and the retinas of their eyes were dull, as if already dead, then he fell and did not raise any more, I was terrified at the scene, think and rethink trying to understand what happened to my horse, so I concluded it had something to do with the river water. As dawn was already decided to continue the trip on foot and if possible to arrange a ride with travelers who know that sooner or later pass with wagons of hay as a town just down there, I walked for hours along the road parallel to the river and swim until you find a small hut, there was smoke coming from a chimney, cried outside the house, and there was no response, I came back and shouted to know if anyone was there, again no response, then knocked on the wooden door that opened, I entered and not saw no one inside the hut, the hearth fire access a pan to heat some clothes and skins thrown on one side and a bed of another very old, sat on the bed, and I was curious about what to cook in the pan smelled as well I took cover and saw the heads of rabbits, I jumped back and was when I heard a gun behind me, a voice asks me to turn around slowly and calmly, turning to see a man in his 50 years , gray beards and their hair, clothes and animal fur raccoon hat on his head ...

... the man holding the rifle firmly pointed to my head was Phil Weed, better known as "The Weed Hunter," I heard stories about this man as a kid, my father told how he and Weed hunted in the forests to the north, even after saying I was the son of Bill Colt, cold hunter did not even flinch, then quietly asked if I had any weapons with me, I said no, I was just a messengerweary of a journey, then finally dropped Weed the rifle but I felt a twinge of suspicion in his eyes, not for less, I had broken into his hut, after a nice sip of a drink unknown to me he sat by the fireplace, so he asked with a serious look at how my father walked in, told him he bought a small farm a few miles Calm Lands and had taken root, Weed nodded, got up and walked towards the door, stirred in some bushes and took out a small deer, I asked him how he had spent all these years, they've always heard from my father that Weed had disappeared long ago, there was no answer, it seems that he was more busy taking care of what would be his dinner, the evening that same day Weed told me part of his story, he had lived these years in the surroundings of El Castillo del Diablo where he had to pay a debt and was there until now, the look of the man in front of me suddenly became cold and lifeless as the my horse, Weed asked me to spend the night in his cabin and that was the next morning, but had no time to rest, I woke at dawn Weed whispering, and handed me a rifle that he claimed was my father, he just said I had to leave now because "they" were coming, and I do not understand a bit scared but I took his advice and went out the back of the cabin, leaving the unknown voices heard in front of the hut and into the forest as I said to Weed I do ...

... after a few minutes entangled in a dark forest I was crazy to see a larger place again, I came to a small road that was not on the map, follow it until you reach a small rapid that in a moment become a waterfall, follow the narrow river and I went down the less steep side of the high ground, coming down I come across several dead animals were wolves, skunks and even some birds, they all appeared to have died suddenly, could be some poison? I took a little water in my cupped hands and smelled the water looked normal but still not drunk, took a few sips of water from my canteen was already in half, and continued to follow the river, crossed the river after a few minutes treicho narrower and saw smoke in the distance, ran toward thinking of what my father always said, "Where there's smoke, there are people," went up a hill and saw at a distance a small village and confusion, men forcalhos and running with torches in their hands and a house in the middle of the village in flames, ran as fast as I could and when I got home had collapsed, people looked at me with a very strange look, I asked what was happening and a gentleman who was with an ax in the hands pointed in my direction and told the other grabbed me, tried to escape but was surrounded, I wonder what was going on there? paroximou man is dangerously with the ax in his hand only then realized it was bloody ax, the ax raise the eyes of the Lord and all who were there were like my horse and the hunter will be little more than an hour had stayed behind, but before reaching my fateful hour a shot was fired and feels blood splatter on my face ...

... the blood was definitely not mine, but now the old man who put down the ax on the floor, all turned toward where the shot had gone instead of running as ordinary people, on top of an old saloom now disabled, a beautiful cowgirl hat with dark hair and white tab down holding a rifle that smoke the pipe, the people of the village turned to her and totally forgot me, did not expect two times I ran in the opposite direction or to follow people noticed that I had escaped. Outside the scope of foreign residents heard shots and shouting as before, I went back into the forest, a few hours later I found a small hut built at the entrance of an abandoned mine, and there I settled for the night rest the next morning I woke up with sounds coming from outside the cabin, I looked through a crack in the door and saw the cowgirl dismount from a horse and enter the old mine, not long in following it, I entered the mine with a hint of fear caused by shadows and horrible chills felt, the old cowgirl lit a candle and I followed it trying to do the least possible noise, but it was almost impossible because I walked on uneven ground almost blindly, and a bend a little further cowgirl ambushed me with a hand held me by the collar and another pointed a knife that glinted in the light of the lamp that was on the ground, the knife was a bright cold, as cold as the eyes of people who lived in the small village ...


*

SO, IF YOU READ EVERYTHING, TELL ME: SHOULD I KEEP ON THE STORY? DID YOU GUYS LIKE IT?? FEEDBACK, PLEASE!

 

[DeletedUser]

Hmm... Not bad. I love your plot. I am just wondering if you know how to speak English. I not rude or anything. Are you a Brazilian player? But there is too much telling in this story. Try to show.

... the man holding the rifle firmly pointed to my head was Phil Weed,

Instead, you could say : the man aim the brown rifle straight at my head, his eyes full of aggressiveness, as if he was going to be attacked. It later then dawned upon me that he was a respectful man known as Phil Weed.

There is nothing wrong with your previous sentence but using more adjectives could help readers see the image of the man and the rifle better. I would like you to continue. 7/10

 

[DeletedUser]

Yeah, I'm brazilian. The thing is, I simply translated it from PT-BR to English.. Thanks for the hints.. I'll keep on the story.

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... The knife was pointed directly at my jugular, I asked her to calm down, I was not a resident of that town, she recognized me and then slowly let go of me, that was a relief, I explained that I was just a messenger and carrying a package ... that's when I realized that the package was in the mailbag that was with me. And it was gone. damn! where did I miss? Maybe the confusion in the village.. but, that wouldn't change anything.. The girl then introduced herself, her name was Catherine Sloan, she was a resident of the village that was once the town of El Castillo del Diablo, then as a flash came to mind, wait! I followed the map correctly and I'm sure I left the town of El Castillo del Diablo back as it can be, she continued to talk about his family who lived in the house that the residents set fire in arson killed all his family, I asked her what could have caused the incident, she explained to me that a week ago a man named Phil Weed appeared in the village and brought with it a curse, he poisoned the water of the river with such a curse and all who drank water went mad or died, and his family was the only one who noticed the fact, and go against the Damned had a sad end, I said I would help her find a solution, but did not tell him that it was known Phil Weed My ...

... The first thing I wanted to do was talk to Weed, but if he did in front of Catherine she might misunderstand me and think I was on the side of the Damned, I requested that we went to spy on the village residents to get information and learn Weed where he was hiding, when we arrived there was nobody in the village, everyone had abandoned their homes and their belongings, got into the old saloom to hear sounds coming from there, saloom was broken, the floor was broken and had broken glass all over the sound side was far more intense and seemed to come from underground, saloom check every point and not the input signal, after a few minutes of searching to touch a wall to take a rest I felt a current of air that seemed to come from behind wall, and Catherine found something intriguing, a hidden button under the counter, we decided to push it and see what happens, then a hidden door opened and the wall where I was leaning against the door and we entered there was a stone staircase and torches on solid , down the stairs with some trepidation, and then we heard the sounds again, slightly ahead there was a huge gallery of entries and some caves underground mines walked a few more steps and there were many people gathered in what looked like a meeting or celebration, in crept through the shadows and pass unnoticed by the people, we saw the Hunter Weed in a kind of altar, and all saluted him, we left for another pass and went straight to another village abandoned, but this was quite different from that in which the people lived, then said Catherine that we were now in El Castillo del Diablo ...