i enjoyed the attempts but let me show you something that will liven up this thread...
and here we go:
"[SIZE=+1]All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]OK, so what's the speed of dark?"
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
that one is actually my personal motto...was my second choice for a signature...
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!"
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]research."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Change is inevitable....except from vending machines."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]On the other hand, you have different fingers."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?""[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]What's another word for Thesaurus?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?" I said, "yes"."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]"[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]and these are just a few quotes from the hilarious, Steven Wright!
[/SIZE]
go to this
link below (lol i broke the underline thingy, it won't let me unselect it)
http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html
click to see more Steven Wright quotes
)