Deleted User - 819397
Toby continued to show himself as almost scarily understanding, wrapping an arm around Giles and telling him he was ok, that he could do it...and that he wasn't weak, that it would stop hurting. Almost despite himself, he found himself leaning into the guy's embrace. "I wish I could believe that, I really do..." he replied, misery seeping from his tone. "It's just...I screwed up...I screwed up so bad. There was so much I could have done differently, could have done to be safe...to save them...and they're both gone...forever..." His tone cracked on the last word, and he stopped talking for a minute to collect himself. "Even the happy parts with them hurt now because they're so bright, so...not this...not the reality I live in now. Not that there were many happy parts with him, but...her..." Again he paused, the former aristocrat screwing his eyes shut as he wrestled the memories back before they could overwhelm him again. "I...Toby, I don't know how I can recover from this...I'm not strong like them. Sure, I can pretend, can go about life as though nothing's wrong, but underneath...it's a mess. Just one giant pile of uncertainty and failure now." He shook his head, closing his eyes and almost seeming to forget Toby was there. "My brother never let any of that show...never let anything but his disdain for us show, really. Not that I idolized him, but...he was strong in his own way. And...she...she was hurt, but didn't let it stop her...didn't let it ruin her...she was..." Once again he stopped, forcing himself to not recall moments, not to remember a subway station where he'd seen the cracks in the armor, the vulnerability underneath...remembering didn't do anything but destabilize him anymore, and he had to push the memories back again to keep himself from breaking down, which he could no longer afford as there were more people around. He couldn't draw attention to himself, and bursting into tears would certainly do that. It took far more effort than he wanted, but he managed to collect himself enough to stop shaking, anyway...not that he was sure when he'd started, but he had. "Toby...I was always sure that...being who I was...doing what I'm able to do...I'd be able to always be there for the ones I loved. And the reality is I did nothing. I wasn't able to do anything. I watched, strapped to a gurney, useless, as she...couldn't do...if I'd've been able to free...but from that range...plus I'd been...just..." For a third time Giles clammed up, this time looking like he wasn't going to return for a moment. He had to suppress harder this time, as this memory had seared its way into his mind forever, and recalling it brought it back in force. It was taking all of his concentration to not lose control, and it would take some doing to lock it away once more. But he had to. This willful, forced ignorance was all he had left holding him together, after all...