DeletedUser
I'm a bit of a critic. 6/10 - need to work on your punctuation, as it made many of the sentences confusing to read.
Alright, for this section I decided to make another short story (haven't written a short in probably a decade).
Desperately we hung to the edge of the canvas, attempting to raise ourselves to the outcropping, intent on survival. Gretchen screamed as a feral bunny raked across her calf, long incisors glistening in the bright morning rays of the sun. Desperately she scrambled over the edge. Then, frantically, I reached for her as she staggered, but there was nobody there. I sensed a life, a cold one, cruel. A bitter and distant past. I knew it had to be a darkened soul, a fearful form surreal. Treasures of the heart held past, feeling the cold sinew. The dread of life long past due, a wicked clash of age. Without thought, I let her go, back to the mass of decrepit souls, one more mindless visage. Gretchen had succumbed. One thirty three, one ten-score sixty, we shivered but an hour.
Listening intently as music etched its way past the scores of melancholy moans, the stranger beside me absently asked what song it was. I looked briefly to him, his dull blue eyes wide in disbelief, a stark contrast to the question he posed. I answered, but could not recall what came out of my lips. I suppose we were both in shock. A reasonable state of mind, considering. Still, the mellow music clung to my ears as I clung to the canvas, staring blankly in return to the blank stare Gretchen provided me below.
“David,” said the stranger. An odd thing to say, until it dawned on me that was his name. He was introducing himself. Ironic. I tried to illicit another response, but I suppose it had been spent naming the song, as my mouth opened, then closed. I looked at him again. Yes, he was clearly in shock. I wondered how long he would last. His Armani shoes clashed with the dust-covered gore that decorated his tailored suit. Didn't much care for that tie. How old was he?
“How old are you?” I blurted. If it was possible, his face contorted in even greater disbelief.
“Wha? I'm --- why?” That was the best he could muster. I let the question die.
“We can't stay here. No food.” I pointed across the mall, to the food court. “that's likely where the music is coming from, and where we'll find a meal.”
David merely nodded. Looks like he expected me to save him. Too bad, I was only intent on saving myself.
I looked down at Gretchen again. Those vacuous eyes seemed to enhance that voluptuous figure. I guess I am shallow after all. Still, she seemed more attractive now. Maybe it's because she wasn't talking. Maybe it was the moaning. Nice figure.
Mentally chastising myself, I tore my eyes away and looked about. The outcropping was more a dusty walkway. From this vantage, it looked to run the edge of the mall, far above the ground. But it was a risky venture nonetheless. David here, with his fancy shoes. Me, with my limp. I think I'll call him Robin. Too bad I didn't have one of those cute utility belts.
“Robin, you have a utility belt?” I chuckled as I tossed out the nonsensical question. I chuckled some more as David's face contorted yet further. Poor guy. In a pinch I can use him for bait. Raising up, I caught my balance and proceeded to our destination. David followed, a good little sidekick.
Mellow music to my ears, I lifted myself onto the balcony at the end of the outcropping and traversed the empty food court, leaving David to struggle on his own. Armani shoes. Poor guy. Love the irony.
I entered the doorway clean, McDonald's self-serve. Double patty, pickles, mustard, ketchup. David's lofty lifestyle will have to take a backseat today. As I finished my meal, I contemplated our situation. My situation. I could probably get to my car if David acts as interference. Not sure I can sucker him into that. Looks clueless, but not stupid. Probably should consider camping this out, at least until I'm confident where my head is. At the moment, it's still with Gretchen, finding solace in arms akimbo.
I try not to sound alarmed when I notice a rabbit at the far side of the court. It is, after all, just a rabbit. I call to David and point. As expected, he panics. Preppies are good at that. All the stock market crashes have honed their panic skills to an art form.
As I grab a dolly and pile boxes of food and condiments, David piles things on the front counter. Comical, to say the least. I leave him to his insanity as I secure the boxes, then proceed to the back door, calling out to him at the last minute. On queue, he turns about, now all covered in mustard and milk shake, then sprints in place as he slips on the mess he made before finally securing his footing and propelling himself along. I close the door behind him. No lighting, but enough illumination slips in from the ends of the employee hallway. I pick a direction. Two thirty three, one ten-score sixty, I shivered but a minute.
Meh, that's all i'm in the mood for today. Maybe I'll continue with this some other time. hehe
Alright, for this section I decided to make another short story (haven't written a short in probably a decade).
And then there was the time when rabbits came upon us
Desperately we hung to the edge of the canvas, attempting to raise ourselves to the outcropping, intent on survival. Gretchen screamed as a feral bunny raked across her calf, long incisors glistening in the bright morning rays of the sun. Desperately she scrambled over the edge. Then, frantically, I reached for her as she staggered, but there was nobody there. I sensed a life, a cold one, cruel. A bitter and distant past. I knew it had to be a darkened soul, a fearful form surreal. Treasures of the heart held past, feeling the cold sinew. The dread of life long past due, a wicked clash of age. Without thought, I let her go, back to the mass of decrepit souls, one more mindless visage. Gretchen had succumbed. One thirty three, one ten-score sixty, we shivered but an hour.
Listening intently as music etched its way past the scores of melancholy moans, the stranger beside me absently asked what song it was. I looked briefly to him, his dull blue eyes wide in disbelief, a stark contrast to the question he posed. I answered, but could not recall what came out of my lips. I suppose we were both in shock. A reasonable state of mind, considering. Still, the mellow music clung to my ears as I clung to the canvas, staring blankly in return to the blank stare Gretchen provided me below.
“David,” said the stranger. An odd thing to say, until it dawned on me that was his name. He was introducing himself. Ironic. I tried to illicit another response, but I suppose it had been spent naming the song, as my mouth opened, then closed. I looked at him again. Yes, he was clearly in shock. I wondered how long he would last. His Armani shoes clashed with the dust-covered gore that decorated his tailored suit. Didn't much care for that tie. How old was he?
“How old are you?” I blurted. If it was possible, his face contorted in even greater disbelief.
“Wha? I'm --- why?” That was the best he could muster. I let the question die.
“We can't stay here. No food.” I pointed across the mall, to the food court. “that's likely where the music is coming from, and where we'll find a meal.”
David merely nodded. Looks like he expected me to save him. Too bad, I was only intent on saving myself.
I looked down at Gretchen again. Those vacuous eyes seemed to enhance that voluptuous figure. I guess I am shallow after all. Still, she seemed more attractive now. Maybe it's because she wasn't talking. Maybe it was the moaning. Nice figure.
Mentally chastising myself, I tore my eyes away and looked about. The outcropping was more a dusty walkway. From this vantage, it looked to run the edge of the mall, far above the ground. But it was a risky venture nonetheless. David here, with his fancy shoes. Me, with my limp. I think I'll call him Robin. Too bad I didn't have one of those cute utility belts.
“Robin, you have a utility belt?” I chuckled as I tossed out the nonsensical question. I chuckled some more as David's face contorted yet further. Poor guy. In a pinch I can use him for bait. Raising up, I caught my balance and proceeded to our destination. David followed, a good little sidekick.
-------------------------------o-------------------------------
Finding solace in arms akimbo
Mellow music to my ears, I lifted myself onto the balcony at the end of the outcropping and traversed the empty food court, leaving David to struggle on his own. Armani shoes. Poor guy. Love the irony.
I entered the doorway clean, McDonald's self-serve. Double patty, pickles, mustard, ketchup. David's lofty lifestyle will have to take a backseat today. As I finished my meal, I contemplated our situation. My situation. I could probably get to my car if David acts as interference. Not sure I can sucker him into that. Looks clueless, but not stupid. Probably should consider camping this out, at least until I'm confident where my head is. At the moment, it's still with Gretchen, finding solace in arms akimbo.
I try not to sound alarmed when I notice a rabbit at the far side of the court. It is, after all, just a rabbit. I call to David and point. As expected, he panics. Preppies are good at that. All the stock market crashes have honed their panic skills to an art form.
As I grab a dolly and pile boxes of food and condiments, David piles things on the front counter. Comical, to say the least. I leave him to his insanity as I secure the boxes, then proceed to the back door, calling out to him at the last minute. On queue, he turns about, now all covered in mustard and milk shake, then sprints in place as he slips on the mess he made before finally securing his footing and propelling himself along. I close the door behind him. No lighting, but enough illumination slips in from the ends of the employee hallway. I pick a direction. Two thirty three, one ten-score sixty, I shivered but a minute.
-------------------------------o-------------------------------
Meh, that's all i'm in the mood for today. Maybe I'll continue with this some other time. hehe
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